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October 30, 2018

We had a mission conference yesterday so our preparation day got switched today for the time being. But we might be having a temple trip sometime this next month in November, but I'll try and warn you and everyone in advance. I honestly dont know if I will, just thinking about it makes me queasy. I know that trials are for the better, but I really really really want it to be done. Truly. I'm going to be sending a letter to the Mulder's sometime today or tomorrow, cause I am thankful for them. I dont even know anymore honestly. 

Yeah I heard about Elder Noorlander's little brother coming to the mission a couple weeks back. Everyone here was honestly shocked, because as far as I know that's never happened. He comes into the mission sometime in December I believe. Well my new companion is Elder Singleton, and as far as I am concerned I hope and pray I only stay with him for this one and only transfer. He was trained by actually my trainer (my 2nd one), Elder Christian Olson. He is something else. He is from Logan Utah, and he is 4 days younger than me. He came on his mission right after high school so he is one transfer ahead of me. To put it simply, he was on a debate team, so he has to be right otherwise he will argue to the death. Doesnt exactly go well when we doesnt want to do anything but work, but that kind of work only consists of what he thinks is best. All my ideas or thoughts that I bring up get shot down faster than donuts are left open at a party. Never before have I wanted to absolutely obliterate one of my companions before until now... 

I honestly dont even know what to do anymore. This ward that I am serving in is tiny as can be. We literally went finding for people for 4-5 hours every single day this past week with practically no success. Only problem is, I have almost already knocked every door in this ward, and sometimes I dont even get a word in. Its just a face of scorn and a quick slam. I am set on never living in California, ever. On top of that, I went to ward council and quite literally begged for help or ideas because NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Then the Bishop has the nerve to tell us to try and gain the trust of the members. Except it doesnt help when friggin over half of them are in there 70s and are retired! Apple Valley is just full of retired people who are set in their ways... I am honestly going insane at this point. The world is against me, the very people who I am working with are against me, and I'm struggling to fill our schedule from 10:00AM in the morning to 9:00PM at night with things to do here. AND IT STINKING GETS PITCH BLACK AT 6:30!! And at that time nobody wants to talk to us so we end up walking around the ward for 2 hours hoping and praying someone is walking outside, except newsflash, there are hardly any street lamps for some odd reason. I've never wanted to quit so bad in my entire life. 

And honestly now I just feel bad having to make you read this and just be venting. I know this gospel is true, I know this church is true, without a doubt this is the right way, holy crap I want to kill someone right now. I just dont even know what to do anymore, I have nothing to lose except for my sanity I guess. I meet should be meeting with the counselor again this Thursday so I'll make sure to fill you in with what is happening... Otherwise quite literally nothing happened this week besides the fact some people said we could come back in a couple weeks... By then they forget and when we show up I'll get the same response I always have had, "Eh no thanks. I have my own religion." Then thats the end of that conversation. 

Also why you did you pay and send that sheet to me... You know I dont like needles, let alone get my blood drawn. If I have to I will but I really dont want to do that. I'm did get your package though, and the Mulder Family. Do I know them? They sent a ton of things like a blanket and slippers and I honestly cried... So many people are helping and I'm trying my hardest but nothing is happening, nobody wants to listen, nobody wants to change their lives because they are so souped up on weed and being absolute butts that I just want to leave. I truly just want to give up, I am sick of crying and now having the people I am supposed to trust not wanting to work with me. 

I dont know what to do anymore. And this is just going to cause more pain, I honestly dont even want to email you and Dad anymore because its always so negative. Theres almost no point. I am at the end of my rope. This is my breaking point. I thought it couldnt get any worse and it did.  I am sick and tired of this. But I know if I give up then I abandon these people who I honestly do not like one bit, but nobody else loves here. For some reason I have to be the one to do this, because no one else is going to stinking do it. I'm sorry you have to read this. 

Just tell everyone I love them, and tell Bryson I am going to kick his butt when I get back for forgetting to email again. All I can do is push. I'm trying. And thats all I can say. I'm sorry. 

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